Everybody has attempted a fart prank. Almost nobody has landed one. We have been selling the hardware since 1999 and we have watched, from a professional distance, thousands of people buy an excellent product and then immediately ruin it by giggling.
This is the field guide. Noise, smell, and things on the floor that are not what they appear to be, ranked by how much damage they do and how likely you are to survive the aftermath. Read the section near the end before you buy anything. It is the only part where we are not joking.
Why Your Fart Pranks Keep Failing
Here is the standard failure. Somebody walks into a room holding a whoopee cushion behind their back, wearing the facial expression of a man about to commit a crime, and asks in an unnaturally casual voice whether anyone wants to sit down. The prank is dead. It died in the doorway. It never had a chance.
Good pranks have three qualities and bad ones have none of them.
- Deniability. Nobody should be certain it was you. Suspicion is funnier than proof. Proof is just an accusation with paperwork.
- Delay. If you are in the room when it lands, you are the suspect. This is why remote controls were invented. Probably.
- Proportion. Ten seconds of confusion is comedy. Forty minutes of your uncle in the loft looking for a dead squirrel is a family incident.
Tier One: Noise, Or The Gateway Drug
Sound is where you start, because sound leaves no evidence. The moment passes, the room recovers, and nothing has to be cleaned by anybody at any point. It is the only category where you can prank a person on a Tuesday and still be invited to their wedding.
The correct first purchase is a Fart Machine with Remote. Fifty sounds, wireless, and enough range to let you stand across a room with your arms folded looking like a man who has never had a single funny thought in his life. Tape it under a chair. Behind a sofa cushion. Inside a filing cabinet, if the office has one of those and a person who guards it.
Now the part everybody gets wrong: fire it once. Once. Then do nothing for four minutes. The silence is the joke. People will start looking at each other. Somebody will quietly move seats. A colleague will begin, unprompted, to explain their diet. That is the payoff, and it is entirely free.
If you need a smaller shell for tighter hiding places, the Remote Controlled Fart Sound Device disappears into places a person will never think to look, and the 16 Sound Effects Machine gives you variety, which matters at parties where a single noise stops being funny somewhere around hour two.
For close quarters work there is the Fart Whistle, which fits in a closed fist, needs no batteries, and is the only item in this entire guide you can carry through an airport without having a conversation about it.
Tier Two: Smell, Or Here Be Dragons
Smell is a serious escalation and we would like you to treat it like one. It lingers, it travels, it gets into fabric, and it has absolutely no interest in your comic timing. Deployed well it is the funniest thing in this guide. Deployed badly it is the reason you now live somewhere else.
Sprays are the grown up option because you control the dose. One short burst of Stinky Farts Spray under a desk or on the back of a car headrest is plenty. Two bursts is showing off. Three bursts is a decision you will be thinking about at two in the morning.
Working outdoors where the wind steals half your effort? That is what Extra Strong Stink Spray and the Fart Spray Prank Stink Bomb are for. Indoors they are not brave, they are just rude.
Then there are bags. A pack of Smelly Fart Bags works on a delay, so you can squeeze, drop, and stroll away whistling like a cartoon character. That delay is what makes it deniable. It is also what makes it completely uncontrollable once it starts. Outdoors. Open air. We will not say this again, we will just quietly judge you.
Tier Three: Things On The Floor That Are Not What They Appear To Be
Visual pranks are the friendly ones. The joke ends the instant somebody picks the object up, and nobody has to open a window.
A set of Realistic Fake Dog Poop placed about a metre inside a doorway is a classic that has never needed updating. It works on dog owners. It works on parents. It works twice as well in a house that contains an actual dog, because now there is a suspect, the suspect cannot speak, and the household descends into a trial with no defence lawyer.
The Realistic Fake Poop Gift Box arrives boxed, so you get two reactions for the price of one: the reaction to receiving a present, and the considerably better reaction about a second and a half later.
And if you want the visual and the audio together, the Remote Control Rotating Poop drives itself across a floor making noise. Somebody sat in a design meeting and argued for this. Somebody signed off a budget. We think about that a lot and we respect it enormously.
The Long Con: For People With Patience And No Hobbies
The finest pranks are not events. They are campaigns. Three that run over days rather than seconds:
- The haunted chair. Tape a remote fart machine under one specific chair. Only ever trigger it when one specific person sits in it. Never when anybody else does. Run it for a week. By Thursday they will be standing up during meetings and will not be able to explain why.
- The escalating gift. Monday, a Self Inflating Whoopee Cushion. Wednesday, a Funny Toilet Paper Roll. By Friday they flinch at their own desk drawer and you have said nothing at all.
- The mystery box. An Open Me Prank Gift Box left somewhere it has no business being, with no note and no explanation. Human curiosity does the entire job for you. It always has.
The Rules. Yes, Even We Have Rules.
We are a company whose slogan involves not giving a shit, and we still think there are lines. Here they are, straight, no jokes in this bit.
- Never in a school, hospital, courthouse, government building, shop, plane, train or any public transport. In many places setting off a stink device in a public building is a criminal matter, and a magistrate will not find it as funny as you did.
- Never at anybody with asthma or any respiratory condition.
- Never at anybody who has already told you they hate it. That is not a prank, that is just you being a bit much.
- Never spray at a face, at food, or at anything a person has to put back on their body.
- Never on fabric you do not personally own. Fabric remembers.
- Check the age guidance printed on the specific product you buy, and keep smell products away from small children.
The test is simple. Everyone should be laughing at the end, target included. If that is not the likely ending, you have not designed a prank. You have designed a grievance with props.
Your First Purchase, If You Are New Here
Buy a noise device first. It teaches timing, and timing is the only skill that carries across to everything else. Once you can make an entire room turn and look at each other using one well placed sound, graduate to a spray. Once you can use a spray without emptying it, you may consider bags.
Most people do this in precisely the wrong order, discharge an entire bottle into a friend's car on day one, and then spend the rest of the year being described as a legend by people who no longer answer their messages. Do not be most people.
Dr. Gasman has been arming amateurs since 1999 and the shelves are full. Browse the full FartMart range and pick your weapon.
