We sell a lot of things that make noise, smell terrible, or sit on a carpet pretending to be something else. People email us constantly asking which one to buy, and the honest answer is that it depends entirely on how much chaos you are actually prepared to be responsible for.
So we ranked the shop. Not by price, not by how funny it is, but by the single measure that matters: how much trouble it will cause you. Tier five is a laugh. Tier one is a conversation with a landlord.
How We Ranked These
Three things went into the score. How loud the reaction is. How long the evidence sticks around. And how likely you are to be identified as the person responsible within thirty seconds.
Work down from tier five until you get nervous. Stop one tier before that. That is your level.
Tier Five: Completely Harmless, Weirdly Delightful
Nothing here can get you in trouble. These are the items you leave on a desk and let time do the work.
Tiny Hands is a pair of very small hands on sticks. That is the entire product. There is no function, no punchline and no reason for it to exist, and yet we have never once seen a person walk past a pair without picking them up and doing a voice. It is the purest thing we stock.
The Magic 8 Ball has settled more office disputes than every manager in history combined, and the Poop Plush Pillow is genuinely soft, genuinely cute, and will quietly annoy anybody who has recently redecorated.
The Rude Birthday Card also lives here. It costs almost nothing and it outperforms most actual presents, which says something bleak about actual presents.
Tier Four: Mildly Disruptive
Now we are making noise. Still nothing to clean up, but people will start turning round.
The Fart Whistle fits in a closed fist, needs no batteries and can be operated in plain sight by a person maintaining full eye contact. Deeply unsettling. Highly recommended.
The Self Inflating Whoopee Cushion is the modern version of the oldest gag in the business, and the self inflating part removes the only genuinely suspicious moment in the whole operation, which was always somebody crouched behind a sofa blowing into a piece of rubber like a man tuning a bagpipe.
The Whoopee Cushion Fart Pad takes the same idea and shapes it like the thing everyone is already thinking about, which is either a design masterpiece or a failure of restraint. We have not decided.
Tier Three: Now You Are Committing To A Bit
Battery powered, remote operated, and capable of running a joke for a week rather than a second.
The Fart Machine with Remote is the best value item in the entire shop and it is not close. Fifty sounds and enough wireless range to let you stand across a room with your hands in your pockets radiating innocence. Tape it under one specific chair, trigger it only for one specific person, and watch a colleague slowly lose their grip on reality over five working days.
The Remote Controlled Fart Sound Device is the same principle in a smaller body for tighter hiding spots, and the 16 Sound Effects Machine gives you range, which matters at a party where the same noise stops being funny somewhere around the second hour.
The Fuggler Sound Effect Toy triggers on touch, which means it does the joke for you while you are in another room entirely. This is the closest anybody has come to fully automating the bit.
And the Mini Fart Blaster fires actual smoke rings, with lights and sound, because at some point a toy company sat in a meeting and decided that noise alone was not ambitious enough.
Tier Two: Somebody Is Going To Have To Open A Window
Here is where evidence starts existing.
Sprays are the controllable end of this tier because you choose the dose. Stinky Farts Spray and Stinky Spray are the everyday options, and 30ml Liquid Fart Spray is the one we would hand a beginner because the bottle is small enough to limit the size of any misjudgement.
One burst is the dose. We are aware you are going to do three. We have made peace with it.
Visual pranks also sit here, because somebody has to pick the thing up and they will not enjoy the four seconds before they realise. Realistic Fake Dog Poop a metre inside a doorway remains undefeated, particularly in a house that owns an actual dog and now has a suspect who cannot speak in their own defence.
The Remote Control Rotating Poop drives itself across the floor making noise. Somebody engineered this. Somebody signed off a budget for it. We think about that team often.
Tier One: Genuine Consequences
Top of the chart, and the only tier where we would like you to stop and have a proper think.
Extra Strong Stink Spray and the Fart Spray Prank Stink Bomb exist for outdoor use where moving air steals half your effort. Used indoors they are not bold, they are just antisocial.
And at the very top, Smelly Fart Bags. You squeeze, you drop, you walk away, and then it happens on its own timing rather than yours. Fantastic for deniability. Absolutely no way to stop it once it has begun. Outdoors. Open air. Adults. We will not be taking questions.
Quick genuine note before you buy from this tier: never in a school, hospital, courthouse, government building, shop or on public transport, never at anyone with a breathing condition, and never at somebody who has already told you they hate it. In a lot of places that stops being a prank and starts being a legal matter, and magistrates are famously a tough crowd.
The One We Would Actually Buy First
If somebody made us pick one item to start a person off, it is the Fart Machine with Remote, every single time. It teaches timing, it never runs out, it leaves no evidence, and it is the only thing in the shop that can run the same joke for a fortnight and get funnier each day.
Everything else is an upgrade path. Browse the full FartMart range and find your tier.
